what do i want?

what do i want? what does any one want? to be happy right? will would think so , then wy do i want to suffer why do i shred my heart to peaces ? why don't i love my self ? why don't i choose to make my self happy , smile , laugh , and walk away from the things that bring pain to my life , if only things where tis simple hhhhhhh , i can only wish , but who can go back to being blind after he has seen the light even if it gives him a headache? even a migran? had he never seen the light he wouldn't miss it as much he can be happy being blind but the task is much harder for those who have seen the light , his love is like a drug , i'm killing my self with it slowly and i know it , i say i'll quit in a year or tow not now , but i'm really just kidding my self , i don't know how to stop this pain , it's killing me and i want to be happy but i don't know how , how do i become blind again? how do i stop this migrane ? what would be less miserable staying in a relation ship with him while loving him and knowing he doesn't love me , or walking away and loving him from a distance? and is there another way? away to  be happy just simply happy oh god how lonely love can be , my mind is tired and so is my heart , what should i do???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? i don't want to cry any more , please god tell me how do i stop this pain  !