Sunday, December 26, 2010

It is what It is

He believes in gay marriage !
For some one who goes into a relationship refusing to open up his heart for the possibility of love , as he sees no stability in such a secret gay relation ship , and he sees such a relation ship doomed to end there for any chance of falling in love may lead to a broken heart , For some one like that you wouldn't expect him to believe in gay marriage . but he does , he even says that if it was both legal and socially accepted here that he would think of me!
i wish i could just hold his hand look him in the eye and let him know how much i love him and that he would never ever get hurt by me , and i would say to him " i appeal the verdict of cruelness against my love , i appeal to a heart that has loved before and i hope that the suffering of this foolish heart would arsenate mercy in a fellow victim of my illness , i appeal the power of law and Falk over my heart  , and raise a wonderment about the reason that prohibits stability from raising on the solid ground of love , love that will survive secrecy and that never needed an assuring paper of marriage , my love for him is one of the very few things that i am sure of in this world " . i wish i could say that Oh god how i wish he would open up his heart for me , i wish and i fear that i'll spend my whole life wishing and hoping and aching in pain i fear the days to come without him , i am so afraid that my hands get cold by thinking these thoughts i never knew that love can be so lonely .

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Thank God for a sour throat !

It's Christmas time , things are crazy in the chocolate shop , I'm so tired , and to top it all my friend who was gone to Germany for college came back , he's one of my best friends but isn't so understanding when I don't have time to just hang out every day , then it came , A sour throat with  a fever , my ticket for some rest .

Things are deferent now :
My hubby and my friends where at the shop with me at the same time , he has been very understanding about me not being able to spend much time with him , he listened to me bitch about how busy I am for hours even though he works much harder than me , and so when they where all in the shop it was weird because they didn't know each other , and my friends wanted me to go out for a spin with them , it was impolite of the them to run him off like that and i needed to make them understand that things are not the same and that this person is here in my life to stay whether they liked it or not , I spent my night shivering and feeling guilty about that poor guy that i had just made sad , and he doesn't deserve that at all , he's so kind and caring , he even got me an early Christmas gift the other day , I miss him so much . hope i get to see him tonight .

Saturday, December 18, 2010

An on going process .

Ask a drug addict , or a regular alcohol abuser , or a grieving father , what they do with the pain from being in those situations ; they'll all till you , it's never really gone , and you can't rest at how better you have become , it's always an on going process of learning how to live your life best with the pain , to try to minimize it's effect on other aspects of your life , and to express it when you just have to , in non_self_destructive  ways , for me this blog is one of those ways .
Here i would like to thank my first followers and every one who cared to read or comment  on any article in this blog .
My on going process :
One of the hardest commitments you can make is not love , but it is being in love with some one , being with that person every day , and keeping that love to your self ; not even a word . slowly i'm trying to do this . intimacy was hard the first time after that argument we had  , but then as advised by a friend i started to think of that act as saying i love you , without making the other person who doesn't want to hear it freak out , laughs and jokes and kisses started to come back , some moments pass when i'm with him when i feel the pain , but mostly it's when i'm alone , and that's all that matters to me right now , is to make the best of the time that i have with him , and leave the pain tell the time comes and i'm left alone , then i would regret it if i didn't make the most of my time with him .

Friday, December 17, 2010

I love you

It toke me a couple of days to admit to my self that i have broken the boundaries and love this man , now i had no clue how to tell him , I knew he didn't love me , and I knew he didn't want me to love him , but yet i couldn't not tell him , we were in his room laying on bed talking , i was nervous and couldn't say it out loud , i leaned forward to him , and whispered in his ears , " I love you " , he laughed a very short laugh , and then said " I know   , and thank you " , he then added " i love you too , but not in that way , i just love spending time with you and i care about you , i love going out having fun , i love being together here sexually , i like to call you and text you , in that way  " . I  felt so sad i wanted to cry , i faked a smile that he saw right through and he said " i'm sorry , don't be mad " i assured him that i was fine , i cried a lot that night at home i was sad for the following couple of days .

We met again after tow days and sat down in the car to talk , i explained that the way he reacted made me sad , but that i knew what i feel isn't fair to him and that we had a deal that i broke , we argued back and forth a lot but at the end i decided that i loved him too much to make him feel sad or guilty about this , i decided never to say i love you to him again , and to wait until things go back to the way they were with no awkwardness , I went home sad also , there was a pain knowing that he doesn't love me , doesn't want to love me and doesn't want my love , that he planned on leaving me at some point , i learned to live with the pain , and try to live in the moment without thinking too much of what's to come , that was the only way i could still be with him , and i couldn't leave the man i loved wile he still wanted to be with me .

Discovering ignorance

In Arab literature it is said " there are four kinds of people :  those who know and know that they know , those who know and don't know that they know , those who don't know but know that they don't know and finally those who don't know and think that they know " .
 Some times you think you understand something , you think you can even control it , and then when it hits you in the face and you Finally do understand it , you discover your ignorance . That's exactly how it is when any one who has never been in love thinks he understands it . going into this relationship I said that I wasn't looking for love , and that i was ok with the other person not wanting love in this relationship , apparently i was talking about something that i was clue_less about .
It has been less than a month since I've known this man , i saw him almost every day , talked and texted several times a day , he knew almost every thing about me , and i knew so much about him , he became a major part of my life in such a short time , and i thought of him a lot , missed him like crazy , worried , yearned to please him , i felt his heart , he touched me from the inside , i never felt safer in my life than with him , i was feeling some thing towards him , i didn't know what to call it , and i didn't want to call it love , he felt it and told me that he didn't want things to get too emotional and that he didn't want to break the boundaries he has put for tis relationship because he knew how this is going to end when we move on with our lives and he planned to do so in the end , to move on and get married to a woman , to ease his fears about this being love , as i my self didn't want to believe it was ,  i wrote him a poem , when i read it to him his reaction was mild i now understand that he doesn't like talking about our feelings , this is the poem :
I wish he felt the same
I wish he only knew
how i feel in his arms
I wish he had no rules
Why is he either a friend or a husband
Why put every thing in a  mold
Why can't we just let our feelings be
Why can't he leave us uncalled
Yet I might be telling too much now
For somethings are better left untold
And i know most of what i say is out of fear
Fear of loneliness , fear of loss
So no i wish not he felt the same
And i only have my self to blame
If he's pushed away by my fears
And he looks down and smiles
At the silliness of me
Yet still he lets me be
where i always want to be
right there , in his arms ...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

a magical world

Do you remember the feeling you imagined that Alladin felt when he walks in one of those grand castles in cartoons when you where a kid ? , that's how it felt like walking further into this man's world , every thing about him has a special touch , i asked him what are the things he loved the most when i first met him online , " there is a woman " he said " that i can't live without , she is my life , that would be my mom " , that just touched me , his Independence ,  his confidence ,  cockyness   , style , sweetness , roughness , fragility , kindness , jealousy , his eyes , his smile , the hard past that he had and the strength he got from it , the places he took me , the things he did , every thing about him was just perfect , i was mesmerizer , i kept waiting for him to realize that he can do better than me , i kept waiting for the dream to end , but it didn't , i was falling and falling deep deep in ......  

when it was simple

It's funny to learn to be in a relationship , in your first relationship when every thing is new , you feel like a new born gazing with wonder at every thing , and when it's  a secret relationship then you can't ask any one about any thing , you are on your own .
the second date , the first time :
it was a long day of anticipation at the university , at  the shop , until the evening . he sent a message to say that he's coming , i had went home an hour before and washed up and shaved a bit here and there , i didn't know what i was doing but i wanted to look nice just in case any thing happens , he came , we got in the car and went to park some street , it was dark , i was still giggling every time i looked him in the eye i was so nervous , we talked  eventually  , he looked so handsome in the dim lighting in that car , he was so confident and sophisticated , the day before he had told me that he has secretly desired me from a distance before he knew i was gay too , that gave me confidence , every thing about him and about his character was right for me , he held my hand and smiled , a chill went down my spine , little hairs on the back of my nick stood up , like when i hear a great singer singing her heart out , i thought of kissing him , my heart started pounding fast , he thought  he had upset me with this and he asked , i told him no , but i'm crazy and i might do some thing crazy , he dared me to , a moment of anticipation followed , then i put my hand on his face , i leaned forward  ,  
i didn't know what i was doing , i kissed him on the corner of his mouth , a quick shy kiss , he looked at me surprised , i apologized if i surprised him , he said " no , but you make me want to do some thing even more crazy" , this time as scared as i was i still dared him , he held my hand and kissed it , then held my face , leaned towards me , and kissed me , i felt like the bird feels when he flies for the first time ,  i didn't know it was that good to be kissed , unfortunately i had to come out from my dive in heaven and breath , i smiled and said " i always  wondered how that felt like , i'm sorry if i did it wrong , but it felt so good to me " he reassured me that i was too good for him to believe it was my first time , we went for a spin , we passed the entrance to his flat ; he lives in a flat underneath his families house , he said he wanted to go in to have more privacy , i said but  " i'm crazy and i have no control , i don't want things to go too fast " , he said  " i have control , i just want to hug you properly " , neither one of us had any control , it was my first time , and even though it wasn't "all the way " it was so good , i went back home happy , but i woke up the next morning scared and ashamed , i didn't want to go to school and face the world i thought it would be written on my forehead  what i had done .

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

the first date

for days i was restless , i didn't care about my university i didn't care about my family , i didn't care about our chocolate shop , i had an urgent need for companionship , i always thought of my self as a lonely person , i have close friends but i never understood the sudden need some people felt to get in a relationship  at some point in there lives , now i do , i lived on my laptop as the web is the only outlet for homosexuals here , i made some un calculated risks and almost got my self outed , which would mean losing my family and my status among the community and my honor and risking jail time  if i don't kill my self first , it was Friday morning and i never feel good on fridays except this one , i was in the shop and opened my gay facebook profile to find some one that has posted a request for " any chubbys in Jordan ?" so i responded , and we chatted he was as I young in his twenties he liked my body and character and i liked him , first impressions were very good , so good that we agreed to meet at once , i thought if i didn't do it now i won't do it at all so i told him to come i told him my name and the shops address i decided to take a leap of faith ,  i ran home to wash up and try to look a bit better but he lived so close , i went back to the shop at a missed call from him , i waited for a moment , then a car stopped at first i thought thats him , but then a distant relative of mine walked out of the car so i thought oh thats not him but i hope he doesn't see who ever is coming right now , he got out and looked at me with a nervous smile , i knew , i was scared , i thought i was busted , i was so ashamed , we stepped back inside the shop , i looked at him from accross my disk in the shop and laughed and looked to the ground to the sealing any thing but look him straight in the eye , words followed then complete sentences after that it got a bit better we talked alot and time seized to be , we agreed to meet next evening , he left , i was in shock , the urgent need was no longer there , but now was fear of the un known ,  i couldn't sleep well that night . 

the beginning

In a land of no gay tolerance we as homosexuals have to suffer , it is inevitable and that simple truth alone is    enough sadness on any heart , as the lake of hope or any belief in the possibility of improvement in ones life is all by it self a major illness of the soul ,let alone  the need to live in secret , deny a major part of your self .
an even much larger problem   is that when you find some one that understands you and is just the answer to all your wishes and dreams , but he's a realistic that wants to please his family at the end and get married , and so his secret gay life is short and temporary  and there for his heart is closed against love as a protection  against heart break , and when you know all that from the get go and still you fall in love with him , this is me! I wouldn't want to be in my shoes !