Tuesday, December 14, 2010

the first date

for days i was restless , i didn't care about my university i didn't care about my family , i didn't care about our chocolate shop , i had an urgent need for companionship , i always thought of my self as a lonely person , i have close friends but i never understood the sudden need some people felt to get in a relationship  at some point in there lives , now i do , i lived on my laptop as the web is the only outlet for homosexuals here , i made some un calculated risks and almost got my self outed , which would mean losing my family and my status among the community and my honor and risking jail time  if i don't kill my self first , it was Friday morning and i never feel good on fridays except this one , i was in the shop and opened my gay facebook profile to find some one that has posted a request for " any chubbys in Jordan ?" so i responded , and we chatted he was as I young in his twenties he liked my body and character and i liked him , first impressions were very good , so good that we agreed to meet at once , i thought if i didn't do it now i won't do it at all so i told him to come i told him my name and the shops address i decided to take a leap of faith ,  i ran home to wash up and try to look a bit better but he lived so close , i went back to the shop at a missed call from him , i waited for a moment , then a car stopped at first i thought thats him , but then a distant relative of mine walked out of the car so i thought oh thats not him but i hope he doesn't see who ever is coming right now , he got out and looked at me with a nervous smile , i knew , i was scared , i thought i was busted , i was so ashamed , we stepped back inside the shop , i looked at him from accross my disk in the shop and laughed and looked to the ground to the sealing any thing but look him straight in the eye , words followed then complete sentences after that it got a bit better we talked alot and time seized to be , we agreed to meet next evening , he left , i was in shock , the urgent need was no longer there , but now was fear of the un known ,  i couldn't sleep well that night . 

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