when it was simple

It's funny to learn to be in a relationship , in your first relationship when every thing is new , you feel like a new born gazing with wonder at every thing , and when it's  a secret relationship then you can't ask any one about any thing , you are on your own .
the second date , the first time :
it was a long day of anticipation at the university , at  the shop , until the evening . he sent a message to say that he's coming , i had went home an hour before and washed up and shaved a bit here and there , i didn't know what i was doing but i wanted to look nice just in case any thing happens , he came , we got in the car and went to park some street , it was dark , i was still giggling every time i looked him in the eye i was so nervous , we talked  eventually  , he looked so handsome in the dim lighting in that car , he was so confident and sophisticated , the day before he had told me that he has secretly desired me from a distance before he knew i was gay too , that gave me confidence , every thing about him and about his character was right for me , he held my hand and smiled , a chill went down my spine , little hairs on the back of my nick stood up , like when i hear a great singer singing her heart out , i thought of kissing him , my heart started pounding fast , he thought  he had upset me with this and he asked , i told him no , but i'm crazy and i might do some thing crazy , he dared me to , a moment of anticipation followed , then i put my hand on his face , i leaned forward  ,  
i didn't know what i was doing , i kissed him on the corner of his mouth , a quick shy kiss , he looked at me surprised , i apologized if i surprised him , he said " no , but you make me want to do some thing even more crazy" , this time as scared as i was i still dared him , he held my hand and kissed it , then held my face , leaned towards me , and kissed me , i felt like the bird feels when he flies for the first time ,  i didn't know it was that good to be kissed , unfortunately i had to come out from my dive in heaven and breath , i smiled and said " i always  wondered how that felt like , i'm sorry if i did it wrong , but it felt so good to me " he reassured me that i was too good for him to believe it was my first time , we went for a spin , we passed the entrance to his flat ; he lives in a flat underneath his families house , he said he wanted to go in to have more privacy , i said but  " i'm crazy and i have no control , i don't want things to go too fast " , he said  " i have control , i just want to hug you properly " , neither one of us had any control , it was my first time , and even though it wasn't "all the way " it was so good , i went back home happy , but i woke up the next morning scared and ashamed , i didn't want to go to school and face the world i thought it would be written on my forehead  what i had done .